This week has been quite terrible in terms of bad news I have been getting day to day, where the level of emotions was jumping from one to another and in the end made me to re-think everything what I'm striving for now, how well I'm keeping the relationships with people close to me and just listen to my own heart on what it says. Stop... Sit down... Reflect...
This week has been a week, when Dreams of certain people don't come true... It can be the influence of someones decision of being "not the way you planned" and wanted... Or the worst thing, that universe made the situations happen the way, that your life stops... and all your dare dreams shut down in a single moment.
This week my personal dream wasn't fulfilled as I wasn't selected for the role I was striving for a longer period of time. Sure, there are always people who are also dreaming about it together with you and in the end, they turned to be the most suitable for that. And you, feeling sad and confused, that your plans were basically ruined, are trying to reflect what was wrong and how can you learn from this experience... In the very end, it was a great process of learning for you... And then tons of people are saying, that "everything happens by purpose", "something good should happen to you soon" or the sentences starting with "at least, you ..." And everything goes fine again. You believe.
Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart.
The next day this dream already didn't matter for me at all, as I understood how selfish it was for me that time again to leave my family and close relatives for a year again, not turning back home and again spending less time with them than I should. That moment I understood that the life may happen the way, that some of them I wont see in my life anymore...
When we lose one we love, our bitterest tears are called forth by the memory of hours when we loved not enough.
I have been crying twice during my year here... During the times when I was feeling stressed in late autumn, alone and not understanding how the things I was currently doing contributing to my development, also missing my home and friends... That time was a big self-reflection time for me and in the end that was smth needed for me.
This week I was crying the second time, but due to a different occasion... Even worst I could ever imagine in my life now... I got the news about one of my youngest cousins who`s life has been stopped by the car accident due to the mistake of a total stranger. I know that he was dreaming a lot like his sisters to study and work in Almaty, my hometown, and he made the first step for that entering the university there and almost finishing his 1st year there. He had had his own dreams, ambitious or not... He was one of the ones, whom we can call like "golden child" in the family, whom everyone adores and takes care of... And he was one of my loveliest cousins too.
And now... you can imagine... Many times in our lives we cant influence the occasions, but maybe knowing that, we can prevent it next time, being more watchful with our own lives... It was pretty hard to be far from my family and close relatives, when they were all together and you cant physically be with them... What I could do is just call and say my words of condolence to his parents... Talk to my mum and say that she doesn't need to worry about me and going to be back home very soon... Being not a religious person myself I felt that I need to be in some spiritual place, where I could at least show "him" my feeling and how I do care... And i went to the orthodox church to put the candle for his soul and express my inner feelings, how I still love him and will remember always... That has been the first time in my life when I thought that it will be right thing to do, is to go to the church... I don't know why and cant explain... I think we still as human beings believe, that there should be "someone" through whom many things can be explained and passed...
Will be missing you a lot, my dear Zhenis...
You'll get over it...' It's the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not erased by anyone but death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no one else can fit. Why would I want them to?
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